Today is April 5, 2015
My life has changed so much from the last time I decided to write a post on here. I found and lost love, graduated college, bought my first home, and now want everything to change again. I met a boy whom I fell deeply for and had the best 2.5 years with him for it all to be pulled away by that same boy. He helped me love myself and want a beautiful future. I try to be strong and look to my future for the happiness I seek, but it's so hard for me to let go of someone a loved so much. I have a future I saw for us pulled out from underneath me. Now it is time for me find what makes me happy again and capture that feeling. To take my next step in life to a better place. Thinking through and making the decision to change and start anew is a terrifying and wonderful experience. I know to have the future I want, I must work hard and not falter in that decision. I want to relish in my sadness and just let life go by until I don't feel this heartbreak anymore, but that is not the way to get over something. You must push through that hurt and pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light being the future you want to have, I see a faint outline of what I want my life to become, I am just uncertain of how I want to get there. I know the path I want to take will be hard and my life will always be about paying back loans. I am scared that I will be alone forever. It is hard to let someone into your life and trust them will all your insecurities and I don't know how to make that pain of being left behind and unwanted to fade. I feel so angry at him for doing this. He didn't even explain to me why he wanted to leave, I pushed to hard to know why so that I could process and move on only for him to push back so hard that now I will never know. All the thoughts and feelings I had now feel like lies and I don't know how to take that. I know it will take me a long time to work through these feelings and let the anger I have inside me to fade away to nothing. I will not let this anger make be bitter or hard but I will feel it for as long as it takes for me to let it go, this sadness and pain must be felt because the love I felt for so long was so real and amazing that to not feel the pain would make it seem like it never happened. I want to remember that happy times I had with me but right now all that happens is pain.
For now I will leave my pain on this page and written in my heart. I vow to myself that I will stay strong and learn to be alone with myself again. I know my worth and strength and how much love I have for people and animals that I will become a Vet and take care of these beautiful creatures that show nothing but love for you with such innocence that someone needs to protect them. That will be me. I will make my future my own and I will find out what I can do with my own strength so that one day I will have the strength to love and support someone else in all they want out of life. I want to find that person who knows everything about me and my past, present and what I want out of the future and will stay with me through it all. It is going to take time but I need to stay positive in my life and only do things that have a positive affect of me. My life is my own and now I do not have anything standing between me and when I want to go. Travel the world, live anywhere I want, do anything I can to better myself and to experience the world. My life has changed these past months and I will let all that sink in and work to change what I want to change and make this place my own.
Rachel
